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January 2008

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Day by Day by Day.
Henry James, and F Scott G were okay.
Better than Okay actually. I may not have got as much supporting texts in the first question, but I fucking well tried and I brought up some really awesome points. I wasn't as strong as I'd entailed for Gatsby. But you never are when you're passionate about things, you forget all the amazing things you concocted the hour before.
However. I failed CRM. The feedback was as follows 'I don't think that you should be looking into these career aspects as you've obviously found a flair for writing that has unfortunately got you in a spot of bother with our markers. Your depth of satire and humour would win you marks in essays but unfortunately lets you down.' Then, off the record, I was told that they had to argue about this paper, and then resolved to fail me plainly on the fact I did not answer the questions in the rigid fashion that they asked. That she would have passed it had there not been some concerns about the way they wanted me to answer it. I don't understand it. I have to answer how they want? How the fuck does that make this is a survey of my needs? Grr.
A high point to the last two days though was that Bran and Mark, who I had consulted about my literature column previously, both spurred me on to write it. I then sent them a copy of the finished work and they congratulated me on my thought provoking and interesting piece. Maybe I should be a writer, I can't deal with the formalities that University seems to be offering me at the Moment. I'm becoming disillusioned with so much, from my essays to my exams to the attitudes I'm having in general. I'm just convinced if I dont stop, and I just work and work and work I wont have to think about this.

I've decided to see the doctor again about medication. I think I need it now. I'm not coping. I'm not finding things to cope that work. I'm lonely. And sad. And doubting my intelligence and what I'm really doing with my life. I don't know how to answer all the questions life is throwing at me. Or anyone for that matter. I just want to cry at the moment. I'm handling people less and less these days.

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