Maybe there is some truth in what people are saying about the extinction of communication between me and my family. maybe its just miscommunication, maybe the telephone poles have fallen, the postman is savagely ill and the internet has faltered somewhere along the way. Maybe they are wondering why I havent got in contact. But still it hurts, it's like a stitch being wrenched open whenever anyone talks about family. I do have one, I know that, but I wish it would be more regular, rather than being paranoid about the fact that I may or may not have seen my fathers car drive through the streets of portsmouth and the fact that I tried chasing after it so I could see the number plate.
I've gone through a period of enlightenment. Things have been solved in my head that I always needed to unwravel. I have found a piece of myself that has calmed. I realised after the last few encounters that I really didnt like men. Not in a man hater way, but that I may find them pretty, or interesting, but they don't engage me how I've always wanted. And I may have felt that I loved them but I think it's purely for their personalities, I never got on with the physicality of them as such, it felt more like routine, like a regulated thing that how it's supposed to feel. So, after many many months of thinking over in my head about this, many years of hiding behind status's and how I was expected to feel, not telling a soul, not telling myself half the time, I've finally stepped out into the world as a Gay woman. And you have no idea how much it makes me want to cry with happiness. I know my parents will probably never know, if I have to tell them I will, but I know that it's another pull away from them. I seem to be everything they oppose already so why not add another part of me for them to dislike.
I've spent the day studying Zamjatin, making endless notes, reading essays and getting thoroughly excited. I have to be socially busy tomorow so I'm savouring the day I get to myself alone.
AU revoir, sorry for the disruption in posting.
Plus I just think I heard something in the house, I don't want to say ghost as I dont believe in such poppycock but my rushed washing up may have something to do with it.
I had a dream last night about my brother and I. We were sitting, as old people, on either side of a bridge with a huge blanket stretching the length of it. Covering our knees. Gradually it started to fray, stitch by stitch pulling away from each other like opposing magnets. And I didnt even cry, my eyes wouldnt work, I couldnt find the strength to force the stitches together. He disappeared as the last thread slacked, the bridge gone and the sea below it just a huge glass stretch.